Ten Reasons You May Not Be Getting Served

Ten Reasons You May Not Be Getting Served

By Leigh Pujado

Contrary to popular belief, when a bartender refuses service, he or she is not necessarily being a dick.  There are a great many reasons to refuse the sale of a controlled substance.  Next time you get cut off, kicked out or denied, read through this list and see where you may have gone wrong.

1.  You appear to be under the age of 30 and you have no I.D.

Come on people!  If you are sixteen years of age or older, you are required by law to carry identification with you whenever you appear in public.  If you look young and go bar hopping I.D.-less, we can only assume that you are either:

a) not yet 21.

b) not very bright.    OR

c) on an undercover sting with an officer trying to bust our establishment for serving a minor.

If your wallet was stolen or you simply forgot your license, I am truly sorry but that’s just not my problem.  My job is to protect the liquor license and my own butt.

2.  You’ve been at our bar all day.

When the longevity of your drinking shift surpasses the length of my bartending shift, you’ve been here too long.  Time to move along buddy.

3.  You are intoxicated and acting like a douche bag.

I know it’s hard to believe that sweet little ole’ you could ever exhibit behavior that could be construed as annoying.  But truth be told, most people turn the corner at a certain level of intoxication and you are halfway around the block.

4.  We don’t want you to kill someone with 5,000 pounds of steel after pulling out of our parking lot.

We know that you drove your automobile to the bar and plan to drive it home later.  Either switch to taxi rides or switch to soda pop.

5.  You used a nasty word to slur someone’s ethnicity or sexual orientation.

Regardless of whether you are drunk or stone cold sober, you’re done.  Out.  Don’t let the door hit you in your ignorant, homophobic, lily white ass.

6.  We remember what you did last time you were here.

Maybe you don’t remember, but the fiasco/snafu/spectacle you caused made it into our big, red incident report book in the office and you ended up on our 86 list.

7.  You took a little nap on the bar.

When I grabbed your arm to wake you, you shook the eye sleepers and drool off your face and nonchalantly attempted to order another beer.

8.  After years of publicly declaring your sobriety, you’ve selected our bar as the ideal location for falling off the wagon.

It seems like only yesterday that you were a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous and now you are ordering Jager Bombs with Irish whiskey chasers.

9.  Holy crap!  What is that smell?  Oh, it’s you.

Whether you are lacking in hygiene or marinating in bad perfume, if you stink up my bar, the other customers will leave.  Go hose off.  And when it comes to cologne, a little dab will do you.

10.  You were slightly annoying and the bartender is being a dick.

Still not getting served and none of the above apply to you?  Then you pissed off the bartender by snapping, shouting, whistling, tapping or waving.  A good rule of thumb when ordering a drink:  Do not call a bartender in the same way you would call a dog.  Unless of course you call your dog with a twenty spot and a smile.

Last Dance with Mary Jane

Last Dance with Mary Jane

By Leigh Pujado

I am fed up with marijuana laws.  Maybe it is because I’ve watched one too many seasons of Showtime’s “Weeds” or because at this time last year I was on stage in our local playhouse production of “Reefer Madness.”  Perhaps it’s because the stoners in my life are among some of the nicest, self-responsible people I know, or maybe it’s simply that I’ve grown weary of fear mongering idiots trumping up fictional causes and erecting erroneous soap boxes from which to spew their ignorant rhetoric.

Yes, marijuana is a dangerous, highly addictive substance.  And Barack Obama is a Nazi Muslim and the Tooth Fairy is real!

The list of social and physical ills from ole’ Mary Jane is truly shocking.  How many times have you visited a friend in the hospital suffering from complications due to marijuana-ism?  How many people have you watched slowly kill themselves one spliff at a time?  How many families have been torn apart by the filthy leaf?  How many deranged stoners are out on the streets robbing our banks, raping our women, terrorizing our neighborhoods and corrupting our children?  How frequently have you been the victim of physical or verbal assault due to an irrational individual who was dangerously high on reefer?  How many of your loved ones have been killed by marijuana-holics?

Oh, right.  None.

It’s time to get real about pot, people!  It is time to stop wasting our time, our energy and our tax payers’ money on marijuana related crime.   Where’s the crime?  Show me the fucking crime.  I’m die-ing to see it.

Pot smokers grab headlines, not for dangerous or violent crime, but for excessively slow-paced, non-sensical crap:

“Stoners Build Giant Igloo Out of Frosted Flakes”

“Man Arrested By Airport Security with Joint Hidden in Dredlocks”

“Tampa Bay Man Caught Smoking Pot in Ice Cream Truck”

“Bad Dancing Draws Suspicion and Pot Charges”

“Man Mooned Crowd Only Minutes After Being Released on Marijuana Charges”

“Woman Returns Burgers and Marijuana to Dairy Queen”

(These are real headlines!)

You never see “Stoner Robs First National Bank” because if a stoner were to actually attempt bank robbery the headline would read something like, “Man Found Napping with Squirt Gun in Lobby of First National Arrested for Marijuana.”

Some people will argue that marijuana laws must remain in place simply to keep us from harming ourselves with an unhealthy substance.  Anyone who has ever been stoned can attest that marijuana is not even near the top of the list of dangerous things we put into our bodies.  We’ve known for years that cigarettes are deadly and second hand smoke is, indeed, dangerous, so why don’t we arrest people for smoking?  Obesity is killing people at alarming rates and costing our nation billions of dollars in health care.  Where’s the “Just Say No to French Fries” bandwagon?  I’ll get on it, I promise!  But as far as I’m concerned, until they start locking up smokers and fat people, they need to leave the stoners alone.

And what about our precious alcohol?  In 2007 41,059 people died in alcohol related accidents.  Of those, 15,829 were killed by drunk drivers, averaging about one DUI death every 45 minutes.  Look up some drunk driving statistics, and you’ll find out how certain partakers of our nation’s favorite legal drug are actually extremely dangerous and under-prosecuted.  Meanwhile this great nation of cheeseburger-eating, chain-smoking booze-swillers is actively arresting pot-heads.

According to the US Bureau of Justice Statistics there were 1,519,000 Drug Law Violation arrests in 2007.  Of these 1.5 million arrests, 42% were for possession of marijuana.  More specifically, we arrested 872,700 people for possessing Mary Jane and another 322,000 folks for selling it.  Our law enforcement officers’ time could be better spent on more pressing issues if they weren’t tied up punishing potheads.  In 2007 law enforcement also arrested 1.46 million people for DUI and for every drunk driver being arrested, there are 87 more undetected offenders on the roads.  Why don’t we all eat some pork rinds, smoke a box of Camels and ponder that over a cross-town happy hour!

I’ll admit that marijuana is not the healthiest green plant at our disposal for consumption.   Ounce for ounce, kale and broccoli have a greater nutritional value than marijuana but broccoli tends to clog up my bong and smoking kale just makes me mean.

But seriously, before I continue this rant, I should make mention of the fact that I do not smoke or ingest marijuana with any regularity.  I have an enormous appetite and have difficulty staying awake past 9:30 so a plant that exacerbates my hunger and narcolepsy is not a good fit.  While I defend its harmlessness, you may discard any pre-conceived notion about the author of this essay hammering out these words from the back of her Volkswagon Bus, giant spliff burning in the ashtray to her right and her two mangy muts in their hemp collars slobbering on her left.  You were probably already envisioning me as one of the palm frond weavers or the downtown street musicians honking out crass notes on a decrepit horn, hat upturned on the sidewalk expecting a handout so that I might buy myself some weed later.  I don’t look anything like a stereotypical stoner.  Then again, all the weed lovers I know don’t either.

The truth is today’s Modern Stoner (say, what a great name for a magazine!) is not simply your garden variety hippie or Rastafarian.  Today’s tokers come in all shapes, sizes, ages and socioeconomic classes.  Stoners are everywhere, discreetly hiding their illegal pastime and leading otherwise normal lives.

I am not advocating that we all start waking and baking, build our lives around the mighty leaf and quote something from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” each day at 4:20 PM.  Rather, I think it’s high time (hee hee) we focus our laws and law enforcement on real dangers to society.   Leave the stoners alone.  What, beyond raiding your fridge, did they ever do to you anyway?

(scenes from “Reefer Madness-The Musical”)

The Bar Commandments

Originally published from “Cocktail Folktales” in The Key West Citizen

1–THOU SHALL DO THY BEST TO NOT PISS OFF SOMEONE HANDLING THY FOOD OR DRINK!  Pretty basic concept that eludes far too many people.

2–ABSOLUTELY NO WHISTLING, NO ARM FLAILING AND NO FINGER SNAPPING TO GAIN A BARTENDER OR SERVER’S ATTENTION!  You are ordering a cocktail, not calling a dog.  Picture Marlon Brando explaining the concept of “respect” and assume that your waiter is packing.  You want to get a drink?  A simple smile with money in hand and a respectful “Excuse me” works best.  If you are still not getting served, you are probably breaking Commandment Three.

3–FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE AN APPROPRIATE TIP!  Yes you!  The one in the ugly tropical print shirt.  We remember how you painstakingly scraped your quarter off of the bar and stiffed us.  Tip a whole dollar for a drink.  Tip twenty percent of your entire bill.  (Move the decimal over one to the left and double it.  $20.00 becomes a $4.00 tip.)  We work for tips, not shits and giggles.

4–DO NOT SKIP THE TIP AND SAY, “I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU LATER.”  Yeah, we’ve never heard that one before.  Sure, and “The check is in the mail,”  “It’s not you, it’s me.” and “You had me at ‘Hello.’”  If you are going to be a cheap bastard, at the very least, be creative.

5–KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO ORDER BEFORE HOLDING A STAFF MEMBER HOSTAGE.  As much as we enjoy listening to you hemming and hawing and using that common bar lingo term “Uhhhmmm,” time is still of essence.

6–DO NOT COME UN-GLUED IF THE BAR DOES NOT HAVE WHAT YOU WANT!  I promise you, the world will not end if you cannot sip on your B&B and the mountains won‘t crumble if the kitchen runs out of alfredo.  And no self-respecting bar carries Busch, so stop ordering it!

7–ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DRINK.  Ask for a suggestion on a rum drink, or a dark beer, or some other category.  Asking “What do you suggest” is too broad.   I suggest a Budweiser, or better yet, for the guy who keeps every bit of his change, a nice, frosty Bailey’s and Grapefruit juice.

8–USE PRUDENCE IN ALL YOUR ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS!  If “Let’s Get it On” is playing inside your head, remember that Marvin was referring to things that happen behind closed doors.  Oh, I hope you get some…..just not at my bar–not even in the bathroom.  And, as my friend Cameron noted, the pool table is reserved for employees only.    Furthermore, when romantic urges persist, make sure the apple of your eye isn’t someone else’s pumpkin.  If you must send drinks to another man’s wife, make sure you outweigh him by at least thirty pounds.

9-THOU SHALL COME TO THE BAR WITH THE INTENTION OF SPENDING MONEY!  Lest you not forget, a bar is a business, and businesses being capitalist enterprises, are trying to make money.  Remember that you came to the bar by choice so don’t bitch about the prices.  Budget your bar finances to allow for whatever you consume plus gratuity and if you are broke, stay home!

10-YOU WILL ENTER THE BAR WITH THE INTENTION OF HAVING A GOOD TIME!  Isn’t that the whole point?!  Whether you just got out of work or you are on vacation here in Key West or your wife just left you because you are a total loser, you came out to release stress, relax and above all, to enjoy yourself.  Even if your life is in the toilet, the bar is your sacred temple to get away from it all and have a good time.

Are All Bartenders Rock Stars?

Originally published August 2003 in “Cocktail Folktales” -The Key West Citizen

This is an actual e-mail that I received, followed by my response.  Industry folks, feel free to send your own response to RareFloridaGuy@(omitted)

On Saturday, August 16, 2003, at 09:54 PM, RareFloridaGuy@(omitted) wrote:

Please help me ponder this question,

Why are bartenders under the impression that they are like the coolest rock stars walking the earth ? Sure , most of us can do our job well, but a bartender has an audience. Therefor, it causes them to have this celebrity like feeling. Their jokes are cool and they have plenty of practice saying the cool things..  but   Get over yourselves !  You mix drinks for god’s sake ! It is something than can be perfected in about 2 weeks. I know I was doing it 20 years ago. I since went to college  for 8 years to learn something worthwhile. I was recently having a drink at Schooners and the “bar back”  Chad was walking around snatching quarters and change off of the bar and mocking the tippers by saying…  I’m rich, I’m rich..   I immediately thought to my self,  1. I wish I owned this joint so I could fire him. and 2 he is a product of his own efforts. He stocks beer, and takes out the garbage but makes fun of the real “hardworking” people who spend 50 weeks a year making this country what it is.

My advice to all the “service” industry people of Key West is…   pull your head out of your ass ! The tourist make your life possible !  The people of  Hawaii could teach the

Waikiki wanabees of Key West a thing or two about “service” “hospitality” and where their damn quarters come from !

LEIGH’S RESPONSE:

As much as I’d like to respond to you directly, there was no name attached to your letter.  I am always skeptical of those who criticize in anonymity but I still feel you deserve a response.  First, let me say that, “Wow,” you sound really bitter.  To answer your question, “Why do all bartenders think they are rock stars?” I must tell you that your assumption is quite a blanket statement and a far fetched one at that.  I myself am under no delusions about being a “rock star.”  There is a certain celebrity that accompanies tending bar in a bar-heavy community such as Key West and you yourself mentioned that this may be partially because there is always an audience.

Yes, we do mix drinks.  Yes, many monkeys can do this too.  But we’re not there just to mix drinks., otherwise people would stay home and mix drinks for themselves.   Good bartenders can feed their audience, entertain, and yes, Bitter One, “say cool things.”  Many have their own following as some patrons will visit certain bar employees for years and at their various bars of employment.  Vicky from Schooner Wharf, for example, has been tending bar in this town for 28 years.  She’s not a “rock star” but she has friends and loyal fans all over the world, and she attends to each one that pays a visit to our bar.  Vicky is great not because she knows how to mix drinks, but because she’s the kind of person patrons consistently want to visit.   She’s the smiling face behind the bar that tells you stories that make all that crap you were worried about just seem so distance, or irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

You mentioned something about the “real hardworking people who spend 50 weeks a year making this country what it is.”  I spend 50 weeks a year helping provide an atmosphere of relaxation, entertainment and enjoyment for all you hardworking folks to use at your leisure as an oasis.  I too am among the hardworking folks, and as an added bonus, I happen to love my job and the industry which created it.  I am proud of my profession and believe that all service industry people deserve to be adequately financially rewarded, ie tipped, for the jobs they do.   Does this make me a self imposed “rock star?”  I think not.

I am glad you went to college and learned something worthwhile.  I also went to college, earning a double B.A., University of Nebraska 1996, Summa Cum Laude.  Among the most important things that I learned was that all people have value….that every person, that each country, each business and each job on the planet has its purpose in the great script of the universe.   Somebody’s got to lead NATO while someone else has to head up the space program.  Somebody’s got to find a way to resolve the conflict in the Middle East.  Who is going to start seriously addressing the AIDS issue in Africa?  Who is going to man the phones at the Domestic Abuse Hotline?  Who is going to hook up the cable at your condo?  Some line cook somewhere is probably making you a sandwich while I am writing this.  Who is going to teach my neighbor kid’s second grade class?  Who is going to do road work on US 1?    Somebody has got to sweep Duval street after Lobsterfest!  And yes…..somebody has to stock beer, take out the trash at Schooner Wharf and make jokes about the guy who tips in quarters.

You see, we all have a place, whether it be temporary or part of our greater purpose.  With all my education and insight, I would never write a letter to you, or anyone else for that matter, on why my job is more worthwhile than yours.  I would never address an entire industry in the derogatory tone with which you addressed me stating that we “just make drinks for god’s sake!”

From your letter, I don’t think the real issue here in the inflated self image of bar employees.  After reviewing your words, I believe the real issue at hand is your insistence on categorizing and ranking which people in which jobs really count.  In my amateur psychiatric opinion, it sounds like your reproach and complete contempt of the service industry of Key West is a reflection of your own insecurities about your value in this society.  I mean, if some guy who stocks beer and takes out garbage is making fun of you, you’re probably questioning the value of all that education, hard work, salaries, benefits, company loyalties and whatever else accompanies your “worthwhile” profession.

The funny thing is, Chad the bar back, as he was cracking quarter jokes, was probably not the least bit concerned in that moment with his value in society.  He was just having a good time at work.  We find him valuable because he does a good job and he’s pleasant to be around.  Besides, who could resist that rock star smile!!

Sincerely,

C Leigh Pujado

Are You an Asshole? THE QUIZ

Are you an asshole?  No, seriously, are you?  Take the QUIZ:

By Leigh Pujado

TRUE or FALSE

___  I still own and/or wear the old Finlandia Vodka t-shirt that says, “Bartenders are Gods.   Don’t Anger the Gods!  Tip Well.”

___  When I applied for this job I could not give references from my last bar gig because things did not end well.

___ I don’t care how much I ring as long as there is plenty of money in my tip jar at the end of the night.

___  I only allow FOX News as a source of news on the bar televisions.

___  I only allow MSNBC News as a source of news on the bar televisions.

___  I don’t mop, I don’t fetch toilet paper for the ladies room, I don’t do windows and I don’t bus tables.  I make drinks.

___  I have been known on occasion to make the wait staff cry.

___  When someone sends back a drink I have made, I automatically assume that they are retarded.

___  If the manager doesn’t like the way I do things he/she can kiss my <insert size>_______________, <insert ethnicity> ______________ ass!

If you answered “True” to 2 or 3, you’re kind of an asshole.  If you answered “True” to more than 3, you’re definitely an asshole.   Time to adjust the old attitude, Buddy!