Time to Put Your Pants Back On

There comes a point in every Key Wester’s life when the bombardment of bare, saggy breasts, portly midriffs and various genitalia on display becomes too much to endure.  That point for me came this weekend as Fantasy Fest 2011 drew to a close.

It is a shame that this festival, which I’ve long considered my favorite time of year, has evolved into a nasty flesh fest in which large, non-athletic moms and pops (and grandmas and grandpas) from every dark crevice of the country gather on our little island to parade their pendulous gonads and hoo-hoos.   Every year the naked people grow larger in numbers as well as in individual size.  And I must ask you, WTF?  

Where are these voluminous nudists coming from and why are they stealing our Fantasy Fest?

For those of you not from around here, Fantasy Fest is an annual October event that Key West has been hosting since 1979 which brings thousands of people to town and fills every hotel room in the Lower Keys.   Spanning ten crazy days filled with costumes, a coronation, contests, beads, body paint and parades, Fantasy Fest is actually a fund raiser for AIDS Help.   Each year a King and Queen are crowned, earning their throne by raising the most money for AIDS Help.

In the spirit of our “One Human Family” philosophy and the pride of our amazing gay community, the fest has always pushed the envelope when it comes to “risque” attire.  But in recent years the Obese Swinger Crowd have grabbed hold of the pasties, the leather harnesses, the ass-less chaps.  They’ve traded in their dignity for an extra small thong and began walking the streets of Key West in late October.

I’m not saying one must have a perfect body in order to dress sexy for our festivities.  I’m saying put some thought into your costume and maybe look in a friggin’ mirror before you leave your hotel room.  For example, a leather harness like this:

This was not intended for older, chubby gentlemen to wear.  So tell your horny uncle over there to put some pants on.

And if you really feel the need to shake your money makers in the buff, we have what’s called “The Fantasy Zone.”  There’re signs up for it and everything.  Basically it’s the downtown bar district where you are allowed to walk around with little more than body paint and a smile on.   I don’t want to see your mama’s 36 extra long tits and your dad’s elephant sock schlong when I’m on my way to work.  And when you enter one of our grocery stores, is it too much to ask that you put some friggin’ pants on?   For God’s sake, I don’t want your bare ass near any food items I may purchase.

On Saturday afternoon I saw a woman on Windsor and Olivia standing at her car, ass to the street, putting on her fishnets and thong.  I drove by her big, ole’ booty in the broad daylight and thought “Why am I forced to look at your ugly butt!”  This is a neighborhood.  Kids actually live here.  No one located within a block radius of Saint Mary’s Star of the Sea should have to endure being mooned by a fat lady in red fishnets.

It’s called a costume, People!  Get one.  A pair of panties and your un-exercised flesh doesn’t cut it.  And an animal sock covering a penis is hardly novel, it’s practically sex offender cliche.

The copious amateur drinking coupled with drunk driving, assault and this year’s tragic homicide……this has got to stop.  It’s bad enough some people can’t find a damn costume and litter our streets looking like jack asses, many supposed revelers behave like jack asses too.

It’s time to take back Fantasy Fest.  Our Fantasy Fest is not a free for all for fat swingers.  It’s not a time of lawlessness and amateur alcohol consumption.  It is NOT a time to show up on my island and act like a predatory imbecile.

Fantasy Fest is a giant costume party in the name of raising money for a great charity and keeping the Keys tourism economy afloat during October.  It’s about tapping into your creativity and your sense of charity.  It’s King Dave and Queen Surrey and all the other candidates past and present who work their thong-clad asses off to raise money.  It’s about Saturday night’s amazing assortment of lion fish and sea monkeys and mermaids.   It’s about rockin’ out to some Bahamian Junkanoos, eating meat on a stick and watching straight guys dance in tutus.  It’s about sharing this sense of frivolity that true Key Westers are known for and extremely proud of.   That’s the Fantasy Fest I know and love.

And what did I wear this year on Parade night?  A thong and fishnets!  What else?

 

Leigh Pujado’s new book, “Drinkslinger” is now available on Amazon.

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