Ten Reasons You May Not Be Getting Served

Ten Reasons You May Not Be Getting Served

By Leigh Pujado

Contrary to popular belief, when a bartender refuses service, he or she is not necessarily being a dick.  There are a great many reasons to refuse the sale of a controlled substance.  Next time you get cut off, kicked out or denied, read through this list and see where you may have gone wrong.

1.  You appear to be under the age of 30 and you have no I.D.

Come on people!  If you are sixteen years of age or older, you are required by law to carry identification with you whenever you appear in public.  If you look young and go bar hopping I.D.-less, we can only assume that you are either:

a) not yet 21.

b) not very bright.    OR

c) on an undercover sting with an officer trying to bust our establishment for serving a minor.

If your wallet was stolen or you simply forgot your license, I am truly sorry but that’s just not my problem.  My job is to protect the liquor license and my own butt.

2.  You’ve been at our bar all day.

When the longevity of your drinking shift surpasses the length of my bartending shift, you’ve been here too long.  Time to move along buddy.

3.  You are intoxicated and acting like a douche bag.

I know it’s hard to believe that sweet little ole’ you could ever exhibit behavior that could be construed as annoying.  But truth be told, most people turn the corner at a certain level of intoxication and you are halfway around the block.

4.  We don’t want you to kill someone with 5,000 pounds of steel after pulling out of our parking lot.

We know that you drove your automobile to the bar and plan to drive it home later.  Either switch to taxi rides or switch to soda pop.

5.  You used a nasty word to slur someone’s ethnicity or sexual orientation.

Regardless of whether you are drunk or stone cold sober, you’re done.  Out.  Don’t let the door hit you in your ignorant, homophobic, lily white ass.

6.  We remember what you did last time you were here.

Maybe you don’t remember, but the fiasco/snafu/spectacle you caused made it into our big, red incident report book in the office and you ended up on our 86 list.

7.  You took a little nap on the bar.

When I grabbed your arm to wake you, you shook the eye sleepers and drool off your face and nonchalantly attempted to order another beer.

8.  After years of publicly declaring your sobriety, you’ve selected our bar as the ideal location for falling off the wagon.

It seems like only yesterday that you were a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous and now you are ordering Jager Bombs with Irish whiskey chasers.

9.  Holy crap!  What is that smell?  Oh, it’s you.

Whether you are lacking in hygiene or marinating in bad perfume, if you stink up my bar, the other customers will leave.  Go hose off.  And when it comes to cologne, a little dab will do you.

10.  You were slightly annoying and the bartender is being a dick.

Still not getting served and none of the above apply to you?  Then you pissed off the bartender by snapping, shouting, whistling, tapping or waving.  A good rule of thumb when ordering a drink:  Do not call a bartender in the same way you would call a dog.  Unless of course you call your dog with a twenty spot and a smile.

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One response to “Ten Reasons You May Not Be Getting Served

  1. Love your line of thinking. Bartended for years and feel the pain.

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