Category Archives: Stool Samples

Stories from the other side of the bar.

more “The Bartender Hates You” -Separate Checks

Advertisements

“I’ll take a Beck’s with a Side of Career Counseling”

Many folks go to bars to get away from work.  In Germany, some people go to a bar to find work.

At the Kindl Klause pub in Berlin nearly one quarter of Michael Hasucha’s customers were unemployed and living off of the German jobless benefit known as “Hartz IV.”  So Mister Hasucha decided to give his patrons a little something more than a beer buzz.  He began offering free job advice.

No joke.  There is now a desk at the Kindl Klause Pub operating between 2 to 5 PM on weekdays manned by two social workers offering advice on how to get back into the workforce.

I’m guessing the councilors don’t look like this:

Know Your Product–Take the Quiz

Think you know everything about the stuff you pour?  Take the Product Quiz and find out:

1.  Rum is distilled from:

a) the rum plant.

b) sugar.

c) Sweet ‘n’ Low.

d) Splenda.

2.  Glendfiddich, Glenlivet & Macallan are three examples of:

a) names you should avoid giving to your male children if you don’t wish for them to get beat up on the playground.

b) Scottish guys you had to 86 from your bar after the last World Cup.

c) single malt scotch.

3.  The agave plant from which tequila is derived can be grown:

a) only in Jalisco, Mexico.

b) much like medical marijuana in grow-houses in California.

c) as a Speedy Gonzalez shaped Chia-Pet.

4.  Irish Mist, Southern Comfort and Drambuie are all:

a) whiskies.

b) whiskey flavored liqueurs.

c)  a great way to waste an evening.

5.  “V.S.O.P” stands for:

a) “Very Sexy Old People.”

b) “Very Schnockered Obnoxious Person.”

c) “Very Special Old Pale.”

6.  Gewurtztraminer, Muscat and Reisling are all:

a) Eurotrash bands.

b) characters from Tolken’s “The Lord of the Rings.”

c) wine growing regions in Iowa.

d) white wine grape varietals.

7.  Old World wines are named by region because:

a) the winemakers feel the characteristics of the place (“terrior”) are the most vital influences on a wine rather than its grape of origin.

b) Europeans just like to show off how they know more about geography than we do.

c)  the French find it entertaining to watch Americans sputter and stumble over pronunciation of their wine regions.

8.  “Woodsy, yet clean, with defined notes of cedar and cherry on the palette, and a lively, smooth finish,” is an example of:

a) a description of a cabin on the Finger Lakes you came across on a vacation rentals website.

b) a pompous wine taster’s notes.

c) something a street schizophrenic would mutter at random.

9.  What does “Brut” refer to?

a) A cologne by Faberage.

b) A dry champagne.

c) A large, ill-tempered oaf.

10.  If George Thorogood ordered “one bourbon, one scotch and one beer,” nine times at your bar, how much would his tab be?

It’s the End of the (Beer) World as We Know It!

Last month a small Scottish brewery by the name of BrewDog announced they had developed the world’s strongest beer.  The beer, titled “The End of the World” debuted at a whopping 500 Euros per bottle and was encased inside the carcass of a dead animal.  (See disgusting photo for details.)  Fortunately BrewDog only made 12 bottles of their super beer “The End of the World” as it was edged out of the competition this week by Dutch brewer ‘t Koelschip who launched their 110 proof brew “Start the Future.”

Unlike it’s taxidermy-loving rival, “Start the Future” is sold in glass bottles for about 30 Euros each.

Rate Your Hangover

By Leigh Pujado

Originally published in the Key West Citizen

CATEGORY ONE HANGOVER

Hey, you don’t feel too bad!  Looks like you cheated the alcohol gods again.  After a gallon of water and six gatorades you can’t figure out how you could possibly still be thirsty, but at least your head doesn’t ache.  Getting to work should be a piece of cake after a quick screwdriver.  What most concerns you is the explicit fantasy you are having about McDonald’s sausage biscuits.

CATEGORY TWO HANGOVER

Easy stomach….don’t turn over.  You realize that you had too much to drink last night, but hey, it was an open bar at that party!  At least you still feel competent enough to operate the coffee maker, and maybe even the child-proof caps on the Pepto and the aspirin bottles.  You definitely need some sustenance!  Now where can you get a cheeseburger and a bloody mary at 8 in the morning?

CATEGORY THREE HANGOVER

Holy cow!  A steel drum band from Bahama Village has moved into your head.  You wake up to find yourself in bed with a box of Dion’s chicken and there’s so many ink stamps on your hands, you look like a parcel that’s been around the world.  Calling in to work would be a good idea but your mouth has stopped producing saliva so talking on the phone is a daunting task.  After 2 liters of Pepsi and a handful of pain killers you show up to work 20 minutes late with your shirt on inside-out.  Your cognitive capacities have certainly been compromised, you smell like booze and are functioning on autopilot.

CATEGORY FOUR HANGOVER

When I asked Pat from the Green Parrot for some insight on bad hangovers he said, “Oh, you mean like when you wake up in the office?”  Category four hangovers begin with waking up someplace other than your bed, and often, without any clothes.  Apparently, you didn’t make it home last night and the Talking Heads might as well be singing “Once in a Lifetime” directly to you!

“And you may tell yourself,

‘This isn’t my beautiful house,’

And you may tell yourself,

‘This isn’t my beautiful wife,’

And you may ask yourself,

‘How did I get here?’”

You’re about as sharp as a ball of yarn and you look like ass.  Right about now you’d pay big bucks for a toothbrush, but unfortunately, there’s no money left in your wallet.  Should you wake the stranger sleeping next to you and ask to borrow some cab fare?  Or maybe you should just stand in the middle of the street and pray that a cab will run you over.

CATEGORY FIVE HANGOVER

You wake up looking UP at your toilet.  Yep, you slept on the bathroom floor.  Desperately you want to get up but your head weighs 400 pounds and has it’s own thumping heart beat.  The phone, which you obviously cannot answer, rings and the machine sounds off with your work wondering why you haven’t shown up yet.  You scream at the answering  machine, “Because I’m dying!”   As you crawl towards the bedroom, you get a whiff of your hair which apparently is now a receptacle for cigarette smoke and tequila.  Rifling through the pockets of the pants you wore last night, which, fortunately are on the floor where you can reach them, you attempt to piece the evening together by the matchbooks, coasters and phone numbers you’ve collected.  Just when you’ve formulated a plan for crawling into your bed for the next two weeks, you realize that at least for today, you’re going to have to camp out in the bathroom.


Hangover Competency Test

1–Physiologically, a hangover is

a) the congeners in alcohol polluting the body & taxing the liver coupled with dehydration and the body’s withdrawal from the drug itself, alcohol.

b) the digestive system’s simultaneous need for both an anti-diarrheal and a Big Mac.

c) today’s intestines declaring war on last night’s brain.

2–Hangovers can be avoided by:

a) not drinking.

b) not drinking to excess

c) putting on your Pat Lonergan bullet-proof vest before hitting the bars.

d) not mixing different kinds of liquors.

3–When drinking, you can minimize the effects of tomorrow’s hangover by:

a) refusing shots.

b) eating a good, heavy meal.

c) drinking clearer, more expensive liquors.

d)  alternating a glass of water for each alcoholic beverage you consume, (which of course will put you in the bathroom for most of the evening rendering it impossible to get hammered.)

4–Congeners, the chemical byproducts of the distillation process which greatly contribute to hangovers, are found most often in which of the following beverages:

a) red wine and dark liquors.

b) shots with dirty connotations to their names.

c) cheaper, well brands of liquor.

d) drinks served at the VFW.

5–With reference to the liver’s metabolic process, drinking several different kinds of alcoholic beverages in one night:

a) confuses the liver.

b) tickles the liver.

c) pickles the liver quicker.

6–You should never take acetaminophen (Tylenol) or Ibuprofen (Advil) when you’ve been drinking because:

a) these chemical compounds are known to kill a good buzz.

b) the money you spend on a bottle of those puppies could better be spent on more beer.

c) when combined with alcohol, they can damage the liver.

7–Which of the following statements is wise advice when it comes to drinking?

a) “Have another Jaeger, look like Mick Jagger.”

b) “Liquor before beer, never fear.  Beer before liquor, never sicker.”

c) “We’ll serve no wine before its time.”

d) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer.”

8–You know you’ve had way too much to drink.  What can you do before bed to minimize a hangover tomorrow morning?

a) Drink Gatorade or water to re-hydrate and eat some bread to soak up alcohol.

b) Throw up to purge yourself of the alcohol poisons.

c) Have cheap and meaningless sex with your neighbor so that tomorrow you’ll have something other than your hangover to regret.

d) Stay up all night calling each and every one of your ex’s with your best long-lost-love gurgle into the phone: “Hey yoooooouuu….What-cha doooo-in?”  “Oh me?  Noooo, I’m na drung.”

9–You just woke up and the hangover is setting in with a vengeance.  What should you do immediately?

a) Kick out the stranger in your bed.

b) Call in to work.

c) Call your local AA chapter.

d) drink orange juice or gatorade to replenish your fluids and lost potassium.

e) drink a cup of coffee or regular Coca Cola for your headache.

f) take Tums or Pepto Bismol for your stomach.

10–A little Hair of the Dog is both good and bad because:

a) while it may soothe the hangover symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, it might also indicate that you have a drinking problem.

b) although Bloody Mary’s are delicious, they are also hard to obtain from your bathroom floor.

c) even though you know a shot would do you wonders, you spent every dime you had last night.

d) the dog being there reminds you that you’re not totally alone, but then again, if Fido licks your face one more time, you are going to hurl.

11–A common morning after remedy called a “Bull Shot” consists of :

a) anything warm and nasty that Debbie from The Bull makes you shoot while swearing that it will make you feel better.

b) a gun, ordinarily used to shoot bulls, inserted into the mouth, with the trigger pulled, thus ending your life and curing your hangover problem.

c) a shot of vodka, chilled beef bouillon, lemon juice, worcestershire, tabasco and pepper.

12–Herbal remedies which may alleviate some of the symptoms of your hangover include:

a) gingerroot to settle the stomach.

b) milk thistle to help the liver process the alcohol better.

c) marijuana to help process the process better.

ANSWERS:  1)a  2)a, b & d  3) a, b, c & d  4) a & c  5) a  6) c  7) b  8) a & b  9) d, e & f  10) a  11) c  12) a, b & possibly c


Love on the Wild Side–Mating in the Bar Kingdom

Scientists tell us that the biological purpose of any species is procreation.  Maybe that is why we Homo Sapiens try so hard to find a mate.  Watching humans try to mate is one of the most entertaining aspects of being a bartender.  Oh, things would be so much simpler if only we were animals……just mammals with all the right hormones and none of the intellect and alcohol to screw it all up.  Unlike our animal counterparts who can just sniff each other’s rear ends and ostracize the substandard members of the gene pool from the herd, we humans have to play the dating game, often in the wild blue yonder called “the bars.”   Homo Sapiens may not have cycles and mating seasons, but some have moves and techniques, as well as annals of bad advice to move things along.  But mostly they just wing it to varying degrees of success involving varying degrees of alcohol and tact.

At the Miami Zoo they are trying to mate two of the very last black rhinos on the planet.  The situation is dicey because if the female isn’t into the male, not only will the species fall even closer to extinction, but the female may violently or even fatally flip him with her tusks.  Whether it’s rhinos or winos, most creatures need a little chemistry to fly.  In other words, if a male waltzes up to a female at any given bar, gives her a 100-Watt grin and says, “Well, Hello,” and she looks at him like a lady rhino about to charge, he’d do best to leave her alone.  Fortunately humans are not on the endangered list.

In the bug world, love really is a battlefield where the females of a beetle-like creature called a water strider have evolved spines to dislodge unwelcome lovers.  While the male water striders want to mate with as many females as possible, the girls don’t want to waste their time on superfluous mating.  In the human world of the bar kingdom, males will often send drinks to prospective mates.  Bartenders will sometimes attempt to temper the sad process by telling the male Homo Sapiens that the particular female is already spoken for, or that she is holding out for a more genetically sound male, or even that she is equipped with sharp verbal spines.  The males will often waste their money in these worthless mating attempts.

Male lions claim a territory of 15 to 150 square miles.  They will patrol their territory vigilantly to discourage any other male lions from messing with their female population.   Recently while enjoying libations with one of my friends at a local bar, a drunken idiot wandered in from off the street, dragged his fingers across our backs and stood slobbering only inches away from us.  Two male lions, (the bartenders,) swiftly arose from the den and chased the intruder far from our watering hole.

Certain species of butterflies engage in a fluttering dance before they began the real mating process which takes anywhere from 20 minutes to several hours.  I’ve seen entire human relationships form and then dissipate in less time.  You people know who you are.  A little too much alcohol is all it takes for you to introduce yourselves, play tonsil hockey at the bar and stroll out hooked-up, all within the confines of a happy hour.  Butterflies only live a few days to a few weeks but you two will run into each other for the rest of your lives here in this little town.

There are many species of birds in which the males go to great lengths to impress chicks.   Male peacocks display their brilliant tale feathers in effort to be the best-looking peacock guy.  Likewise, many Homo sapiens spend a lot of money on their appearance buying buying expensive clothes and moving through the urban jungle in Hummers and on Harleys.  The screaming pehah, the loudest bird in South America, will spend 75 percent of his life searching for a mate.  This plain, little brown bird has to compete with a bunch of beautiful hummingbirds, macaws and parrots in his jungle and screaming is his only talent at proving his superiority.  Perhaps the screaming pehah helps explain why Karaoke is so damn popular.

The male ostrich is another showoff bird who lures the ladies with his unusual brand of  dancing.  He stretches his neck up and down, back and forth, mixing it all up with his signature jerky turns.  I’ve seen similar displays performed by American males at Sloppy Joe’s and Schooner Wharf, though I don’t know that it increases the likelihood of his procreation.

But who could blame the males of any species for wanting so badly to procreate, especially when the females can be so tantalizing.  Female cats go into “heat” when their bodies are ripe for mating.  Often they make guttural noises as love calls to Toms, stretch their torsos into strange configurations and emit a “love” scent for potential suitors.  Female bar flies put on mini skirts and heels, douse themselves with perfume and go dancing at a singles bars

Let’s not forget the lady kangaroo.  Often called the “Slut of the Animal Kingdom,” she boasts three vaginas!  If she showed up at your bar, there’d be a line out the door to buy her a drink.

If over-sexed kangaroos aren’t enough, check out some penguins.  Paired, female Adelie penguins have been witnessed soliciting sex with unpaired males.  Immediately after getting it on, the female picks up one of the nest stones and carries it back to her own nest.  Sometimes the females go through the courtship ritual, then takes off with a stone in beak before the male has a chance to mount her.  Back at the Bar Kingdom, I have often witnessed a similar kind of tease.  A woman patron drinking a Bud Light becomes the recipient of a purchased drink from a would-be suitor.  The female will upgrade that freebie to a Grand Marnier, shoot it, and slide out the door without so much as a thank you to the male.

Dolphins and humans are the only species proven in the animal kingdom to have sex for fun.  For most species, the mating ritual isn’t terribly pleasant.  It can be painful,  often dangerous, making the maters vulnerable to predators.  There are species who mate only once during their lives, many of which actually loose their life as part of the mating process.  Remember that next time you think the dating world sucks.

Happy Valentines Day!