Bunny Walker’s Corner
Last Call: I’ll Tell You Where You Can Put That Lemon
(Bunny Walker is an incognito, verbally vicious, veteran drink slinger. Her rants appear regularly on this blog. Currently Bunny is doing what rabbits do best: She is having a baby! Next week she moves to Alaska to prepare for the birth of the arctic baby bunny. If you are in Key West and you’d like to tell her goodbye, good luck or good riddance, her going away party is all day Saturday April 17th on the beach at Fort Zachary Taylor.)
Yesterday was my last day bartending, hopefully EVER. I’m leaving the service industry for what seems like the least likely career path as of yet: Motherhood!
I’m sure I’ll miss some aspects of the job, like being a high school dropout and making more money annually than a high school teacher for example. But for right now all I truly feel is gratitude; gratitude for my life partner, Erick, for his strength and grace, and gratitude for saving me from bitter hatred towards other human beings. After too many years of waiting on them, I was dangerously close.
Top 10 Things I Won’t Miss About U.T.I. SuckAlots*
(Name of establishment altered, t shirt not available on Amazon.)
1. The uniform. Although I understand that other U.T.I. SucksAlots locations are not all on tropical islands, I don’t understand why an exception couldn’t be made for their chains in steamier locales. Black poly-blend slacks in eighty five degree weather? Monkey-butt? Swamp ass? You betcha!!!!
2. Mayonnaise on the backs of my knuckles. (Gag!)
3. Being irritated with foreigners instead of intrigued. Europeans have gotten better about tipping, but it’s still a crapshoot, and outside of Europe who knows how their servers survive. I sometimes imagine waitresses in Japan wandering the streets emaciated and causing traffic disturbances much like the cows in Calcutta.
4. Juice drinkers that expect free refills. Where the fuck is this magical Shangri La that’s just handing out buckets of bottomless juice?
5. Screaming children and their exhausted parents. Though I myself will soon enough be part of this demographic, I talked the talk, I am going to walk the walk. My little shrieking terror will be confined to meals at home or venues that feature twisty slides and ball tanks until, oh…..college.
6. The birthday song. Whose brilliant idea was this? If you aren’t old enough to be mortified by a hoard of clapping, irate servers bellowing at you in front of a restaurant full of strangers then you are probably young enough to be so scared you shit your Osh Kosh Bigosh jumper.
7. Mandatory staff meetings on my day off…EVERY TIME! I’d like to see the statistics for corporate burnout related homicide, please
8. Lemons. Lemon for your water, lemon in your diet cola, lemon for your goddamnit-are-you-serious HOT TEA!!!! You lemon people don’t have lemons in your drinks at home! One more week at this restaurant and Nancy Grace on CNN would’ve been covering my trial for violence with a citrus fruit.
9. Is your salmon fresh? Really? In Florida? Fuck you. You wouldn’t know fresh fish from liverwurst. But that’s okay, we’re gonna cover it in so much salt and cook it so hard you won’t even remember what you ordered anyway. So spare both of us the awkward moment where I explain to you that our salmon comes from Norway and our restaurant isn’t owned by Bruce Wayne.
10. Bargain shoppers. Eat. At. Home. There was a lady and her son that would sit back to back at separate tables so they could both use coupons. Restaurants are meant to be a treat. Sons of bitches like you make it laborious for everyone. Sincerely, I’d like to punch you in the *!%@*!.
Wow. It feels good to leave it all behind. I am going to absolutely smile and shine while wiping my son’s ass. It will be a pleasure to wash spaghetti off of every conceivable surface in the house. As long as he doesn’t ask for a lemon in his bottle.