Hangover Competency Test

1–Physiologically, a hangover is

a) the congeners in alcohol polluting the body & taxing the liver coupled with dehydration and the body’s withdrawal from the drug itself, alcohol.

b) the digestive system’s simultaneous need for both an anti-diarrheal and a Big Mac.

c) today’s intestines declaring war on last night’s brain.

2–Hangovers can be avoided by:

a) not drinking.

b) not drinking to excess

c) putting on your Pat Lonergan bullet-proof vest before hitting the bars.

d) not mixing different kinds of liquors.

3–When drinking, you can minimize the effects of tomorrow’s hangover by:

a) refusing shots.

b) eating a good, heavy meal.

c) drinking clearer, more expensive liquors.

d)  alternating a glass of water for each alcoholic beverage you consume, (which of course will put you in the bathroom for most of the evening rendering it impossible to get hammered.)

4–Congeners, the chemical byproducts of the distillation process which greatly contribute to hangovers, are found most often in which of the following beverages:

a) red wine and dark liquors.

b) shots with dirty connotations to their names.

c) cheaper, well brands of liquor.

d) drinks served at the VFW.

5–With reference to the liver’s metabolic process, drinking several different kinds of alcoholic beverages in one night:

a) confuses the liver.

b) tickles the liver.

c) pickles the liver quicker.

6–You should never take acetaminophen (Tylenol) or Ibuprofen (Advil) when you’ve been drinking because:

a) these chemical compounds are known to kill a good buzz.

b) the money you spend on a bottle of those puppies could better be spent on more beer.

c) when combined with alcohol, they can damage the liver.

7–Which of the following statements is wise advice when it comes to drinking?

a) “Have another Jaeger, look like Mick Jagger.”

b) “Liquor before beer, never fear.  Beer before liquor, never sicker.”

c) “We’ll serve no wine before its time.”

d) Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer.”

8–You know you’ve had way too much to drink.  What can you do before bed to minimize a hangover tomorrow morning?

a) Drink Gatorade or water to re-hydrate and eat some bread to soak up alcohol.

b) Throw up to purge yourself of the alcohol poisons.

c) Have cheap and meaningless sex with your neighbor so that tomorrow you’ll have something other than your hangover to regret.

d) Stay up all night calling each and every one of your ex’s with your best long-lost-love gurgle into the phone: “Hey yoooooouuu….What-cha doooo-in?”  “Oh me?  Noooo, I’m na drung.”

9–You just woke up and the hangover is setting in with a vengeance.  What should you do immediately?

a) Kick out the stranger in your bed.

b) Call in to work.

c) Call your local AA chapter.

d) drink orange juice or gatorade to replenish your fluids and lost potassium.

e) drink a cup of coffee or regular Coca Cola for your headache.

f) take Tums or Pepto Bismol for your stomach.

10–A little Hair of the Dog is both good and bad because:

a) while it may soothe the hangover symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, it might also indicate that you have a drinking problem.

b) although Bloody Mary’s are delicious, they are also hard to obtain from your bathroom floor.

c) even though you know a shot would do you wonders, you spent every dime you had last night.

d) the dog being there reminds you that you’re not totally alone, but then again, if Fido licks your face one more time, you are going to hurl.

11–A common morning after remedy called a “Bull Shot” consists of :

a) anything warm and nasty that Debbie from The Bull makes you shoot while swearing that it will make you feel better.

b) a gun, ordinarily used to shoot bulls, inserted into the mouth, with the trigger pulled, thus ending your life and curing your hangover problem.

c) a shot of vodka, chilled beef bouillon, lemon juice, worcestershire, tabasco and pepper.

12–Herbal remedies which may alleviate some of the symptoms of your hangover include:

a) gingerroot to settle the stomach.

b) milk thistle to help the liver process the alcohol better.

c) marijuana to help process the process better.

ANSWERS:  1)a  2)a, b & d  3) a, b, c & d  4) a & c  5) a  6) c  7) b  8) a & b  9) d, e & f  10) a  11) c  12) a, b & possibly c

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